Mercurial
by BronzeMonsoon
Summary: Dying hurt. It wasn't anything like the movies or books said it would be. Dying was messy, painful, and filled with terror, and guilt, and self-loathing. Or at least, that was Sam's experience. But dying, then having to live with that fact, with those memories, was worse in his opinion.
1. Chapter 1

Dying hurt. It wasn't anything like the movies or books said it would be, Sirius Black is a filthy liar. "Like falling asleep" my ass. Dying was messy, painful, and filled with terror, and guilt, and self-loathing. Or at least, that was Sam's experience.

Sam hadn't wanted to die. In fact, it had been quite the opposite, he was terrified of dying. But for his friends (his only friends besides Miles, and how sad is that. He has more alien friends than human ones), he would do anything. And it scared him how much he believed that statement.

Sam had found himself developing an almost fanatical loyalty towards the Autobots, especially Bee. Sam was still surprised at the fact that the ( _WarriorMyGaurdianAngel_ ) Autobot had wanted to stay with him. At first, he was wary. Frenzy's torture had been far worse than what he'd told any of the Autobots, and he was still suffering from that. He hadn't given Ratchet the chance to check him over after the battle was done, he had taken advantage of the fact that Ratchet was busy with the other bots, and said that the AllSpark had healed his wounds when he had held it. Ratchet had looked disbelieving, but he had other (more important, in Sam's opinion) things to worry about.

In a way, this was his punishment for failing Bee, Sam mused. For failing his best friend, who had sacrificed himself for Sam so many damn times, and when it had been Sam's turn, he'd _**failed.**_ Bee was tortured at Sector Seven, the AllSpark had been destroyed, Jazz had died, and so had Optimus temporarily. And Sam. Did. _**Nothing.**_ He was useless and pathetic, and he knew it was obvious to anyone around him. It was obvious in the way all of the Autobots were so careful around him, like he was made of broken glass, in the way Simmons and Galloway adopted identical sneers whenever he walked past, in the way his parents looked at him like he was a stranger, begging with their eyes to bring back their son, a son who had died the moment his car stood up.

Sam had no misconceptions that he would be able to go to college. Decepticons still inhabited the planet, and he could not, in good conscience put anyone in harms way, just so he could get a degree.

He still feels a little bitter though, because he always prided himself on being clever, and he was so excited when he got accepted into UCLA. His parents were so _proud_ and now Sam was back to being the disappointment.

Sam also wasn't sure he could handle another person getting hurt for him. He hadn't slept more than 15 hours this week due to sleep deprivation, and he knew he looked like shit because of the concerned glances he was receiving from everyone. He hated those glances. He didn't deserve (them, those _amazing strong, beautiful_ people/robots) their concern.

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Sam woke up for the fifth time that night. His clock read 4:57 am. Too late to go back to bed considering breakfast starts at exactly 7:00. One of the downsides to living on a military base, everything had a schedule, and sleeping in late meant getting your ass beat in training.

Sam groaned and rolled out of bed, careful to avoid his bruises and lacerations, though he's not completely successful and lets out a hiss of pain.

"Fuck" Sam mutters as he limps towards the shower. His room is the only place where he can let his injuries bother him, outside he has to pretend that they aren't there, that they don't hurt, that _frenzy hadn't carved into his skin like it was his newest art project, like Sam didn't screamscreamscream because it hurt_ _ **so. Damn. Much.**_ _when frenzy broke all of his fingers and toes before resetting them, like he wasn't_ _ **humiliated**_ _when Decepticons came to laugh at him while he was being tortured, because he was just a_ _ **pathetic squishy**_ _and they were going to have_ _ **fun**_ _with the organic who dared to think that they could beat their superior leader._

In the end, Sam had been rescued after Frenzy had mostly re-healed him (he would just start from scratch, over and over until Sam _**shattered**_ ). His fingers and toes were broken, but at least they were still _attached_ and his eyes hurt, but at least they weren't gaping holes. Sam had wished that he was still blind when he saw Bumblebees expression, the rage and the guilt was enough to make Sam feel like the most unworthy piece of shit in the universe.

Because this alien, this _angel_ had cared so much about Sam. Bumblebee had cared so. Damn. Much. That it hurt, it tore Sam's soul apart and he felt it ripping like wrapping paper on Christmas day.

If Bee found out how bad his injuries really were, then his ass would be (gently) dropped straight onto one of Ratchet's famous examination bed, and Sam would never have been seen again, because Ratchet would kill him for not telling him immediately and then Sam would be questioned as to how he got all the scars (Frenzy didn't feel like wasting the effort to heal him completely) and then Sam would be in Deep. Shit.

Sam grunted in pained relief and flinched when the steaming hot water simultaneously relaxed his muscles and agitated his bruises. They were everywhere- the bruises that is. They were in various hues of black, blue, purple, and grey. They dotted across Sam's skin like hideous scars across an even uglier night sky.

Sam had never been confident in his body. He had been chubby as a kid, more so than any of his forced playmates. And even after Sam had lost some of that body fat, he still felt like that same little ugly fat kid who cried when none of the people he knew wanted to hang out with him. The same kid who hid how he was feeling behind sarcastic come-backs and witty one liners.

Sam sighed to himself as he reminisced. He washed all of the shampoo and conditioner out of his hair and gingerly stepped out of his shower, being careful not to put too much weight on his injured ankle.

Sam didn't allow himself to hobble as he walked towards his closet. He couldn't hobble out there, so he wouldn't allow himself to do it now. He ignored the shooting pain this action caused as he opened his closets beige sliding door.

'It's a good thing Ratchet cares so much about his patients, he hasn't left the med bay at all since the attack, even though that was two weeks ago. He most certainly would have noticed Sam's behavioral inconsistencies and run some scans. Sam's plan is to avoid Ratchet for as long as possible, until at least the bruises go away. Sam's also taken to wearing long sleeve shirts and sweatpants to hide the bruises.

Mikaela's made a few snide comments about the way he dresses now, which stings because he wants to impress her, but he's not willing to change the way he dresses at this moment in time. Mikaela is just going to have to deal with the embarrassment that is himself for a while. Sam can tell that she's been wanting to break up with him though lately, even though it's only been two weeks since they started dating. It's in the way she tells him to "Stop screwing around with Bumblebee" and whenever he mentions a stress headache (Once) she says, "I can't believe you, you weren't injured at all." And "Stop acting like a toddler."

And it hurts, because Sam's liked Mikaela since the first grade, when he was still chubby and she told Trent to stop chasing him because "He's too fat to run away", which may sound awful to anyone else, but to Sam it was the first time anyone had tried to defend him in any way at all. And thus, the idolization began.

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'I wonder what the cafeteria is serving for breakfast today' Sam thought as he walked across the base. 'Hopefully it isn't eggs again, eggs are fucking disgusting'.

"Good morning Sam"

Sam jumped and spun around in alarm, not expecting the sudden greeting. He relaxed when he realized that it was Bumblebee, and felt a rush of happiness at seeing his friend as a sincere grin made its way onto his face.

"Hey Bee" he chirped, unconsciously leaning forward towards his friend. He smiled into the scout's electric blue eyes (Sam snorted internally at his mental pun).

"How was your recharge last night Sam?" He inquired.

"Same as usual" Sam carefully replied. He couldn't tell his friend about his nightmares, that would be disastrous, but he also couldn't lie, because Bee could always tell when he was lying. So, he chose an answer that wasn't a lie, but also didn't reveal the truth either. (Could you tell that Sam got Slytherin on Pottermore?)

Sam felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world for deceiving his friend but he couldn't let Bee figure out the truth. That he was injured so badly that sometimes it hurts to breathe, that he still had nightmares about what Frenzy did to him, and that he hadn't eaten more than a meal a day since the attack.

Sam gave no sign of his inner monologue as he walked with bee into the cafeteria.

"Sam, are you listening to me?" Bee inquired, feeling concern towards his charge. He was not offended that Sam hadn't been paying attention, Sam would never ignore him intentionally.

"Hm? Oh, sorry Bee" Sam stuttered, embarrassed at being caught not paying attention. "Could you repeat yourself please?"

"I was just wondering if you needed to see Ratchet, Sam" Bee calmly stated, as of those words didn't make Sam's throat seize up in terror and make his whole world come crashing down around him.

Sam barely managed to keep the panic he was feeling out of his voice when he asked, "Why do you say that?" Inside he was thinking 'stall him fucking hell I need to stall him'.

Bee hesitated for a second before replying "You seem…. unwell. And I know that you haven't checked in with Ratchet yet, I asked him and he told me." Be paused before adding on "I'm worried about you, you've been acting strange lately."

Sam's mind raced frantically trying to come up with a solution. "I'm a little shaken up after everything that's happened Bee. It's been a little difficult to readjust." There! He'd done it. Nothing he'd said was a lie, even if most of it was a gross understatement.

Bee looked unconvinced. "I know you aren't lying to me, but I'm still taking you to see Ratchet after you eat Breakfast."

Sam's breath hitches and he feels panic rising up within him. He's vaguely aware of Bee's frantic questions about if he's okay, but he can't hear much past the ringing inside his head.

Sam takes on step back out towards the door of the Cafeteria, before he's sprinting into the "Humans Only" corridor that he knows is too short and thin for Bee to fit through in either form.

He's running towards some unknown destination, but the only thought inside his head was to get away.

 _Run._

AN: Thank you so much for checking my story out. If you have any questions, please message me or leave a review.

-Lily


	2. Chapter 2

**AN :word: means it's over a comm. Link**

" **SAM!"** Bumblebee shouted in alarm as he tried to stop the human from escaping. But in his shock at Sam _running away_ from him, Sam (His human, his friend, his _charge_ ) had slipped down the "Humans Only" corridor.

Bumblebees shout had alerted everyone in the cafeteria to the fact that something was wrong. Ironhide was already walking briskly toward the scout, his frame shifting in preparation for any sort of threat.

 **: Bumblebee, report:** Ironhide sent over a private commlink. **: Threat identified? Are the humans protected or aware?:** Ironhide had already sent alerts to Optimus, Ratchet, and Captain Lennox, informing them of Bumblebees stress and the potential threat. They had sent back affirming replies and had all started heading here, now all Ironhide had to do was gather more information and proceed accordingly.

 **: No immediate threat:** Bumblebee sent back, he was twitching towards the door, desperate to chase after his friend. Ironhide had relaxed minutely at hearing that no one was in any immediate danger. He had just begun to send a stand-down message towards the others when Bumblebee continued.: **But Sam's whereabouts are unknown, I told him I was taking him to see Ratchet because I was concerned that he was injured, and he bolted.:**

Ironhide felt his anxiety rise. Though Ironhide may not have known Sam as well as Bumblebee, he still respected the boy. Not many people would risk their life to save aliens they had only met a couple days ago. This had concerned the Autobots. What did it mean that the boy had formed such a quick attachment to a robot who had shown him kindness? True, Bee was the easiest among them for humans to trust. He was the smallest and least intimidating, but he was still an alien to these people. At first the Autobots had passed it off as a human phenomenon, but they soon realized it was just a Samuel J. Witwicky phenomenon. The other human -Mikaela Banes- had not warmed up to them at all, in fact she still seemed to be wary of them. Which was totally understandable, and the more expected response. However, that just served to make Sam's response to them even more confusing.

Ironhide sent a base-wide announcement over the speaker system. "ALL HUMANS AND AUTOBOTS AVAILABLE ARE TO LOCATE SAMUEL J WITWICKY AND BRING HIM TO EITHER THE NEAREST AUTOBOT OR RATCHETS MEDBAY. HE IS INJURED SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HARM HIM."

When the conclusion of the message was broadcasted, the soldiers of the Diego Garcia base sprung into action, like ants pouring out of an anthill. Albeit they were confused, but they were never ones to disobey a direct order coming from a superior. Especially not from Ironhide, who was still terrifying. Ironhide turned to Bumblebee to grill him for more information, but the scout had already bolted to search for his charge. There was no way Ironhide would be able to find him without wasting a ridiculous amount of time. Bumblebee had been born into the bloodiest war in Cybertrons history and he had adapted to it well. If he didn't want to be found it would take a direct order from Optimus to _maybe_ get him to reveal himself. Bumblebee was a professional, a soldier, and he was damn good at what he did.

"SLAG" Ironhide cursed, startling the group of soldiers who had gathered around him in perfect military posture, awaiting further orders. Ironhide decided to temporarily ignore the issue concerning Bee's whereabouts, knowing the scout wouldn't be injured. He turned to his awaiting troops and began to give them orders.

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Sam gasped for air as his lungs burned like the bonfire his dad had put together in his backyard when he was 10. His ankle felt like two shards of glass were rubbing together, and his head felt like it was about to implode on itself. He ignored the pain as he searched for a place that he could hide out in for a while. He knew he couldn't hide forever, but he needed to find a place to think about what he's going to do next. Then the announcement came on

"ALL HUMANS AND AUTOBOTS AVAILABLE ARE TO LOCATE SAMUEL J WITWICKY AND BRING HIM TO EITHER THE NEAREST AUTOBOT OR RATCHETS MEDBAY. HE IS INJURED SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION AND DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HARM HIM."

'FUCK' Sam cursed inside his head. This just got 200x more difficult. He needed to hide. Now.

He glanced around frantically, panting like he had just run a marathon as he reached the end of the (admittedly long) hallway. He felt tears of frustration come to his eyes as he couldn't figure out a way to successfully hide. 'Think, Think, THINK YOU GODDAMN IDIOT' Just as Sam was about to despair, he noticed an air vent in the side of the wall. It was small, too small for a normal teenage boy to fit through, but Sam's emaciated form was small enough to slip through. He popped the vent gate open slipped inside and closed it behind him. "Fucking Success" he whispered to himself, feeling a little smug at having successfully gotten away. Even though the vent was really narrow and uncomfortable, at least he was alone and safe.

He grinned to himself as he navigated the dangerous halls through the vents. He knew that the vents would widen once he got closer to the main foyer of the base, he would be able to sit up there, so Sam took a left in the Vents and continued towards his temporary definition.

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Bumblebee was in scout mode. His Comm-links had all been shut down and he was frantically scouring the base for any sign of his wayward friend. Because Sam had already been missing for an _hour. And that was_ _ **Not. Acceptable.**_ Time had never really been an issue for Cybertronians, they lived for so long that a year was their equivalent to a week or a day, depending on how old they were. But now, time felt like an enemy worse than Megatron. Time cackled at him, snapping at his peds, pushing him forwards, taunting him with all the heinous possibilities of things that could (Have) happen (ed) to his friend since he saw him last.

Bumblebee stiffened as his audio receptors picked up a noise coming from the main foyer, which is where he just was. Slowly, and ever so quietly, Bumblebee turned around and crept back towards the foyer, feeling hope and anticipation sing within his spark.

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Sam had been crawling for 50 minutes and he was so _tired._ He hadn't realized how steep some of the inclines were, and his body had protested the harsh treatment every step of the way. He had made it to the main foyer, and internally rejoiced.

'Thank you, God, Primus, whomever.' He sent a mental prayer to whomever was listening. He decided to take a break and sit up, he peered through a gate in the vents, which were now several hundred feet off the ground (The ceiling was designed for the Autobots to be able to easily navigate however they needed to). Sam let out a sigh of relief when he didn't see anyone in the foyer. He allowed himself to rest his back against the vent, before letting out a loud gasp when the rough metal wall agitated his bruises.

Sam froze, panic rising within him as he heard the sound echo throughout the vents. 'It's okay, right?' He thought desperately to himself. 'No one's down there, so no one heard anything…. right?' He wanted to lean forward and peer out the vent, but he was too afraid of making another noise to do so.

'Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit' He cursed himself frantically. 'You goddamn moron! What the fuck is wrong with you?!' He continued to mentally berate himself, before he realized that he didn't hear anything. He allowed himself to relax before a voice whispered out into the empty room.

"Sam?"


End file.
